"Death" By A Thousand Cuts
It’s been a rough two weeks. Certainly, it hasn’t felt like “living soulfully”, but as with all challenges, if we look deep enough, there are some gems hidden in the experience. In the Cliff Notes version - I was down with the cold/flu for about a week and just started to feel much better when a friend took me out for a belated birthday dinner. I was looking for something different to try on the menu, and when my friend asked about the Green Curry, the waitress said, “Oh, it’s hot. I immediately said, “I’ll take it!” Because I still misinterpret red flags as an announcement for an upcoming parade. How fun!
Everything was great - until it wasn’t. The following wee hours of the morning found my body frantically emptying itself of the hellfire that was dinner, and I just thought I had an incredibly bad bout of food poisoning. Except, there was excruciating, stabbing pain in my left side that I had never experienced before. It subsided after some time and again, I just thought it was good ol’ food poisoning. Until 24 hours later, the tortuous pain in my left side woke me at midnight and absolutely would not subside.
Like the stubborn old bird that I am, I was going to try and wait until 8 am when Urgent Care opened, but even with my high pain tolerance, by 4 am I cried “uncle!”. I drove myself to the Emergency Room (it was only a mile away, and yes, I have been sufficiently scolded by my friends never to do that again.) After receiving excellent care and a CT scan, the results came back: a 2mm kidney stone.
TWO MILLIMETERS. How something so small and jagged could wreak so much havoc in my body is beyond my comprehension. It took about 3 days for it to be dispelled from my body. I tried to keep moving my body and drinking my weight in water to keep the stone moving down and out. I was pacing the floor of my home like a woman trying desperately to give birth. Next time I’m going to set up a gift registry because I think I deserve it after all that!
Once I finally felt better, I started diving into research on what might have caused it and lifestyle habits to prevent stones (which I’ll share in a minute), because I don’t EVER want to experience that again. And in my research, I remembered that Louise Hay has a wonderful book out called “You Can Heal Your Life”. In it, she discusses the root spiritual/emotional meanings of illnesses and conditions and then shares affirmations to assist in the healing process. (NOT a substitute for medical care - get your ass to the ER if you need to!) I looked up the meaning of kidney stones and discovered the meaning of kidney stones:
Lumps of undissolved anger.
You have got to be effing kidding me. Well, that just makes me angrier!
I mean, seriously, haven’t I worked through all this already? I didn’t notice that I was feeling particularly angry or irritated lately, and why does this have to STILL be an issue? Ugh. So, after a little hissy fit, I got quiet and decided to take a closer look, and when I took time to dig a little deeper, there it was. Anger about…
the state of the world (duh)
the lack of empathy and attention to company culture from my organization’s new leadership
(perceived) disrespect from others, mostly at work
the downside of being single and having to take care of EVERY DAMN THING for myself
not having enough downtime for play and fun (or not giving it to myself)
how freaking expensive healthcare is
ALL the tiny, jagged instances of being dismissed, overlooked, ignored, discounted, etc. (again, mostly at work)
Just like an irritating grain of sand, when you turn it over and examine it, there are pearls of wisdom to be found (wouldn’t that have been fun to have pissed out a pearl after all the irritation my stone caused me!? With all this anger, I could open a jewelry store!).
I started to realize that it isn’t necessarily all the slights done unto me by others, but the tiny little cuts that all those negative thoughts, stories, and beliefs were making into my emotional psyche. I complained that some of the “transgressions” felt like “death by a thousand cuts”, but who’s hand was making them? Each small criticism, judgment, angry, rageful thought is like a tiny death - the death of my spirit, my joy, my love, and eventually even parts of my body. I wasn’t happy to see that it was me who held the blade, but the act of taking a hard look allowed me the pivotal moment of being able to put down the knife.
Certainly, I can’t change other people’s behavior, but I absolutely have the power to question these inner perceptions and disarm them with a simple question from the mystic Byron Katie - “Is it true?” Each one falls away by seeing what is really true, and what isn’t. What is causing my pain, and what isn’t. I am still working through this, obviously, it’s going to take some time, but I’m committed to stop playing with sharp objects and instead let the soothing waters of Spirit soften those edges by:
Asking myself more often, “is this story that I’m telling myself true?”
Journaling to discover where I am being more critical of myself or others and working through the pain of disappointments as they arise.
Having difficult conversations to get clarity on what the other person intended so I can clean my internal filter.
Working with new, positive affirmations and beliefs to create a new reality for myself.
Taking action where I can, and where it is my responsibility to do so. Don’t like something? Then how am I going to change it?
Shift my perception more often. Perhaps they do care, they are just busy with their own struggles, and it has nothing to do with me. Maybe…maybe I shouldn’t be looking at them but looking at myself. What am I making this mean?
I find there is always something to learn from the challenges we encounter, and while I absolutely do not intend to spiritually bypass the incredibly intense experience of any health issues a person might have, for me it is important to glean the wisdom from it so I can continue to grow and heal into the highest version of myself.
And for the love of all things holy, listen to your mom and stop running with “scissors” or other sharp thoughts.
xo
Anji
Okay, now I’m going to switch into my health coach hat and share with some very important tips for you so you can hopefully prevent kidney stones from happening to you! This is a short-list of some of the most important habits I think you should consider:
Stop.Drinking.Soda. Seriously, that shit is poison. I did have a small kidney stone over 30 years ago and it was due to the fact that I was drinking only soda and no water. I haven’t had a drop of soda since then.
Drink Water. Put cut up fruit in it if you have to, but water is by far the best substance that will keep your system well hydrated and functioning properly. Tea, bubbly water (except those with PFAS chemicals), and black coffee are okay, but you’re still better off with plain water.
Cut down on animal proteins. These are hard to process in the body and tax the kidneys unnecessarily. Focus on plant-based proteins such as beans, legumes, seeds, and other high-fiber plant foods.
Limit salt intake. Too much salt causes there to be more calcium in your urine, which when processed by the kidneys can form into calcified kidney stones. Cook with other spices to help you get more enjoyment from your meals without the excess salt.
Exercise your body. Keep your kidneys and other organs functioning properly by moving your body most days of the week. Sedentary lifestyles are not good for our bodies! This can also help to pass stones more quickly, if you get them.
For more information, check out reputable medical websites such as this one by The Mayo Clinic.