The Courage to Flounder
In all my years as a wellness coach, consultant, and yoga teacher & seeker, I have heard the word “balance” a lot, whispered reverently as if it is some ethereal aspiration we fantasize about achieving. Work/life balance, balancing priorities, balancing the budget, balanced energy levels, and of course, be sure to balance your macros. We even practice balancing postures so that we can prevent falling and injuring ourselves.
During Libra season, I’m sitting with this idea about whether I’ve become too rigid in my definition of and in my search for balance. I mean, what does balance really look like anyway? Consider the Fall Equinox, where day and night are equal - for only ONE day. Slowly, and almost imperceptibly then, the night begins to stretch before us, inviting nature into a season of reflection. We’ll then balance on the "other foot” during Spring Equinox, as light expands and welcomes warmth and new life. A small moment in time, and then the cycle begins again. So, why am I still searching for balance?
As an entrepreneur and recovering hyper-productive eldest daughter, I have really struggled with this lately, especially since my schedule looks vastly different now. Some wide-open slow days that cause mild (or moderate) panic wondering where the next opportunity will arise, interspersed with a spurt of inspiration, work, and enough coffee networking meetings to keep me caffeinated for an entire season. My mind keeps telling me that I’m not “being productive” (which, to me, seems like the biggest oxy-moron ever) and I need to “do more”. Oh yes, my inner critic certainly knows how to crack a whip!
It can feel turbulent, like navigating your way through a blizzard and you can’t see the path in front of you - there is no clarity, no horizon to cling to, only blank-white uncertainty and a feverish desperation to get out of the storm as quickly as possible. How do you find balance in all of that?!
Enter the increasing conversations around nervous system regulation. I know what this means, but I’m concerned that this terminology is at risk of becoming spiritual bypassing. Yes, we all want to learn how to regulate our nervous systems when we are afraid, angry, or sad so that we can navigate crucial conversations (and life) both at home and at work. But, I am starting to wonder…
What if nervous system regulation is learning to honor, FEEL, and express your emotions in a healthy (non-harming) way?
And also, what if balance is not a single point of equanimity, but learning to dance with life with a little more grace and self-love?
Sometimes we’re going to feel angry and feel the heat of frustration, and while screaming at the person who cut you off in traffic isn’t ideal, screaming might be just what you need - into a pillow, alone in your car (while parked, please!), or in a kick-boxing class. Is it any wonder there are so many somatic therapies like shaking and dancing available now? Because we need safe spaces to feel our emotions so they don’t stay lodged in our bodies causing dis-ease. When I used to be a runner, I often would tell my family I was going out to “pound the pavement”. That exertion, particularly if I had pent-up frustration, was cathartic - and necessary. But does it bring me back into “balance”?
Good question, and honestly, I would say, “maybe”.
This week, I was talking with a beloved mentor about my situation and asked for her guidance. She gave me some good suggestions for action steps to take, but there were a couple that really stopped me in my tracks:
Forgive your previous employer for their poor treatment of you, forgive all the other companies who never selected you for an interview, and most importantly….
Forgive yourself for floundering.
Aaaaand exhale. Of course.
Sometimes I won’t have it all figured out. Sometimes I’ll be busier than I’d like to be, and I’ll learn for the next time. Sometimes I’ll cry for no reason, or feel irritable, and I will feel it, move it through as best as I can, and start again. I can always start again. So can you.
I believe we came here as souls to experience the wholeness of our human experience - which is to say, the whole spectrum of emotions, busy-ness, calmness, and yes, even rare moments of something like balance. And while no one really enjoys surfing the waves of some of the more uncomfortable emotions and challenges of our lives, maybe we can share a little more openly with others what we’re feeling deeply in this moment, or what we’re navigating with white knuckles, and we can learn together how to do this thing called life.
My invitation to us all is let the floundering be part of the dance - one moment, balanced perfectly on our toes ready for our elegant pirouette, and the next moment falling spectacularly on our ass.
Shake it off, turn up the music, and get back out there on the dance floor. No perfect balance required. Just ABBA and sequins.
You’ve got the moves, babe.