The Choice Point
Some of you know me well enough to know that I am an Enneagram 2 - The Helper. My mother used to call me her little peacemaker because I was forever helping people to feel better, always wanting to do things for other people to make them happy or to make their lives easier. I just love making others feel good. That was, and still is, my jam.
However, being a 2 has its shadow side (there’s always a shadow, isn’t there?). For me, that helpfulness can become my nemesis when I try to help EVERY. ONE with EVERY. THING. I guess you could say that co-dependency is coded in my DNA, and it’s taken me a long time to really get the lesson. It took several ill-fated and toxic romantic relationships to realize that not only is it not my job to help everyone, but it’s also not helpful or healthy for them and ME.
I developed a really bad habit of putting aside my own needs (that is, if I actually could identify what they were) to serve others. Now, I do believe in the virtues and value of service, but if it results in neglecting yourself, you’re really not helping anyone. When you overextend in service to others, you deplete yourself, your needs remain unmet, and you become resentful (SO attractive. NOT.). While I have long explored these themes in my life, I was only looking at it from the behavior itself and trying to learn how to just stop doing it. I needed to get to the root of it by asking deeper questions, like this one from my coach Brooke Fitzgerald…
“What’s my motivation here?”
Oh, believe me, I tried to fool myself by answering with “I genuinely love to help others.” Okay, sure, but what’s the motivation for me pour everything from my cup into yours? Oh, wait…there it is…
If I always help you, then you need me - which means, you will stay in my life…
and then I will feel safe.
Oof. I came to the stark realization that I was seeking safety in others. Not only because my service to you “binds” you to me, but it keeps me from swimming in the REALLY unsafe waters of knowing, understanding, and facing my own fears, doubts, and needs. It’s like I’m afraid of what’s lurking in the deep end, when I’m sitting here feeding the sharks in the shallow pool!
It’s been 3 years since I left the last toxic relationship and since then, I took a dive into the hidden depths of my limiting “I am not safe” beliefs. I have journaled, meditated, talked to my therapist, read books - and I really thought I had kicked it to the curb. My life, admittedly, is pretty dang awesome - I have great friends, an active social life, excellent health, and financial wellbeing. Yet, there are still some unhealthy coping behaviors that I keep engaging in, all in the name of the holy tarnished grail of productivity and martyred service, and upon digging a little deeper - well, well, well, what do we have here??
That niggling little belief that “I am not safe” is still here.
You see, if I keep busy, keep scrolling (hey, at least I’m doing something, right?), keep giving to others, then I’m safe, right? Safe from what exactly?
The fear of not doing enough, or successful enough. The fear of trying something new and making a mistake or failing. The doubt that I can really DO this. The terrifying fear of actually leveling up my life and vocation, which requires me to be fully seen, vulnerable and facing the truth that I AM actually worthy of all this goodness.
Sooooo scary.
“I’m not safe.” I’ve carried this belief around since I was a little girl, like a dilapidated, one-eye-missing cherished stuffed animal, and it’s time to put it to bed for good. I just really couldn’t seem to figure out how, despite having learned so much about neuroplasticity, affirmations, manifestation, and how our self-talk is SO important. I mean, what will it take??
I’ll tell you what it takes. It takes space.
Making space in your schedule and your mind for reflection and for listening to Spirit’s answers. And while I feel like I do this pretty well and regularly, when my fears are louder than my truths, then I know I’m not making enough space in my life for divine whispers of guidance.
I had a synchronistic opening in my schedule this past weekend that allowed me to attend a half-day yoga, creativity, meditation & reflection retreat. It sounded delicious and like the self-care gift I needed, but WOW I had no idea how much I needed it. The epiphanies that were squeezed out of my body during yoga and allowed to flow unencumbered through connection, discussion, and silence were like lightning bolts of clarity. Finally, as we were invited to create a painting to encapsulate what we were learning and experiencing (yep, that’s my painting above - I call it “Supernova”), I kept hearing these words:
Choice point.
There is a choice point in any given moment - small, golden, pivotal - this choice point means the difference between keeping ourselves cut off from the support and love of the Universe, or opening ourselves up wide to allow the infinite resources, abundance, love, healing to flow to and through us. I have a choice - to reframe my beliefs into something more powerful and truthful…
“I am not safe” becomes “I am FULLY supported by the Universe”.
And when spoken aloud and I allow myself to pause and look for evidence of this truth, I see that I have always been safe. It may have not felt that way, but I have always contained the power of Spirit within me that delivered to me kindness, resources, people, lessons that were perfect and what I needed in that moment.
I always have a choice.
The choice to say “no”, the choice to walk away, the choice speak my needs aloud and ask for them to be met. The choice to stop believing the lies others may tell me, or worse, the lies I tell myself. I have the choice to feed myself nutritious food, move my body in a way that feels delightful, or even the choice to go to bed at 8 pm simply because I feel tired and I want to.
Most importantly, I have the choice to cultivate uplifting and empowering beliefs, so that I can choose to say YES to my one wild and precious life.
What are you choosing today?
If you are struggling with limiting beliefs and/or behaviors, I invite you to sit in reflection with these questions:
What is my motivation? (for continuing to engage in the limiting belief or thought)
Choice point: What new belief am I choosing instead? What new behaviors might result from this new belief?
You have no idea how powerful you are - make the choice to believe it.
xoxo, Anji